The CAPE Chronicles
by Lyric Of Black Sakura
Summary: In a world where volleyballs are flammable and deadly, coffee is as precious as gold, and crossing over animes is the only way to keep a story funny, D.Gray-Man gets caught in the middle. High school...will never be the same. -Ch1ONLY:VampireKnightCROSS-
1. Cross Academy Physical Education

-**C.A.P.E. CHRONICLES**-

~{Cross Academy Physical Education}~

**- By** **LunaDance506 & Sasukez -

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**-Attention readers! The following is a fan-based parody and consists of copious amounts of crack, confused red-heads, cross-overs, evil death glares of death and destruction, various implied yaoi pairings, and over-exaggerated characterization. You have been warned. ~Smiles!~**

One day, in some random, secluded forest, probably located in very British Great Britain, there was a very confused trio of argumentative and romantically challenged vampires.

"Audio diary number sixty-four: We've been trekking through an alien habitat for a whole hour. There doesn't appear to be any sign of life or hope of escape. If this keeps up, I may have to eat my comrades. Zero will be first. He's got a bit of meat on him. Kaname's to scrawny…"

"Yuki, what the hell are you doing?"

Yuki Cross (yes, from Vampire Knight) leaped to her feet and pelted the silver video recorder she'd been mumbling into off through the dense woods beyond. She laughed – very insane and scary like – and turned to face her two very much male companions. How convenient!

"I am just scoping out enemy territory," she answered, twitching disturbingly.

"What enemy?" Zero (yes, also from Vampire Knight) scoffed. "We're lost, not at war. Spaz."

"You're right," she sighed. "I was just drafting our wills for when we die in this place."

"Don't be so over-flipping-dramatic," Kaname (you guessed it, from VAMPIRE KNIGHT!) said. "Look. The school's right over there. Calm down."

The three argumentative and romantically challenged blood-sucking freakazoids all turned to the school that Kaname pointed to.

"Oh…When did that get there?" Yuki asked.

The three weirdos looked to the school, inspecting it. Yuki frowned and – unfortunately – decided to speak again.

"When did we expand? It looks…bigger."

"Really?" Zero said, attempting to size up the school himself, acting as though he were smarter than the others; he wasn't. "I think it looks smaller."

The girliest of these vampires (Kaname, of course) sighed and face-palmed.

"I think you're both _idiots_."

Yuki whined, clinging to Kaname's arm. (Oh damn, here comes the "romantically challenged" part.)

"Be nice, Kaname!"

The pissy prince – of course – did not respond, turning to look at Zero as though it were his fault…as usual. The albino blood-sucking freak simply face-palmed as well, shaking his head.

"Don't look at me like that. Can't we just go in and look for Headmaster Cross?"

The trio looked at each other and in the distance during their silence, a rather large crow cawed, "CA-CAWWWWW!"

Kaname and Zero screamed and clung to each other. Yuki, however, acted as though nothing had happened and dragged both girly men – by the ear – into the ominous, large (or was it small?) school. The paranoid – and possibly cannibalistic – vampires passed through tall, unfamiliar doors and wandered through hallways that seemed innocent enough – considering it was a high school. They searched for their headmaster – Yuki frequently strangling Kaname's arm.

"We're clearly just getting more lost," Zero suddenly said when he could no longer handle the minimal amount of Yukame fan service following him around. "This clearly is _not _Cross Academy."

"WHO DARETH SAYETH THIS!" a big scary voice thundered down upon them, making both guys scream and glomp the semi-fangirl between them (Jackpot for Yuki!).

The out of place trio had unknowingly stumbled before an office that had a big neon sign over the door that read "CROSS RULES!" The scary voice had come from within said office. The three Shojo vampires were to stricken with terror to dare investigate.

"Enter non-believers!" that suspiciously accented voice called.

Afraid that Big Scary Voice Mann would eat them if they _didn't _move, the three scurried into the room. Zero and Kaname – being the brave, heroic, manly men they were – shoved Yuki in first to face the danger. Nice guys. Yuki's eye twitched in frustration at how she was placed in human sacrifice mode but, faced Big Scary Voice Man regardless. Turned out, Big Scary Voice Man appeared to be an old drunk guy, lounging with his feet up on the desk in the office.

"Welcome to Cross Academy!" said Old Drunk Guy (the vampires' new name for him). "Cross Academy is a special place for special children. The bathroom drug-lords and murderous volleyballs come at no extra charge with your paid enrollment!"

Old Drunk Guy smiled and swept his arms around to add emphasis on his summary of the school they had so unfortunately strolled into. Yuki followed his rapid, drunken gestures with her eyes but, there was nothing to really _see_ other than more neon "CROSS RULES!" signs. At this point, the other feminine blood-suckers had crept in, staring with huge eyes at their surroundings.

"Uhm…" Yuki stared, turning back to face Old Drunk Guy. "You're not Headmaster Cross…" (Obviously not Sherlock!)

Old Drunk Guy's hazy eyes blazed and he slammed his hands down onto the desk.

"IT'S GENERAL!" he corrected, rather loudly, not even caring as an innocent mug of coffee crashed to the ground. "_GENERAL _CROSS!"

Yuki looked behind herself for her blood-sucking comrades/love triangle buddies but, found they were cowering in a corner, clinging to each other…again…Hm. Real manly men, these were. Yuki anime-veined angrily and spoke again.

"Why 'general?' This isn't a battlefield."

'General' Cross's face went dead serious and he stared hard at the three unfortunate cross-overs.

"Clearly you've never been to high school mate," he said, sounding like someone Yuki recognized but…couldn't quite place.

Wait…drunk…"mate"…gestures…Holy crap he was a pirate! Aha no. Yuki rolled her eyes, huffing and crossing her arms over her chest. (What chest? Oh!)

"Is this Cross Academy? You know, like in Vampire Knight?"

"HELL NO!" the man thundered, leaping on top of his desk and towering over the three.

The room burned with a fiery intensity as if saying the word had raised the flames of Hell out of the ground. Zero and Kaname continued to cower and Yuki was tempted to join them but, someone had to have some balls in this situation – they clearly had none. Pfft, men.

"Vampires are PROHIBITED! They are NEVAH EVAH allowed in here!" General Cross (huh, he had a name now!) went on, waving his hands in epic gesturing fashion.

"Uh…Why?" Yuki dared to ask, squealing in terror as he bent down and got in her face, drunken eyes ablaze with fire.

"Because Cross's word is law!" he boomed, making the room shake.

That was enough to totally kill Yuki's courage. She scuttled to the corner in between the two boys (no reason she couldn't enjoy her moment of terror).

"The closest thing we ever had and ever will have to a vampire here is _him_!"

Big Scary Voice Man AKA Old Drunk Guy AKA General Cross pointed into a corner of the office. On impulse – it had to be since all they wanted to do was run like hell and screw whatever was in the corner – the vampires followed the psychopath's wavering finger and found…nothing. There was nothing but another "Cross Rules" sign there. The three vampires looked at the general in confusion.

"Ahem," a deep, way-to-manly-for-his-feminine-body voice said from the other side of the office. "Closest-thing-you'll-ever-have-to-a-vampire boy is over her genius."

General Cross redirected his gesturing to the other corner – briefly getting knotted in his own arms – before his arm ended up pointing where he wanted. (Mind you, his face remained totally serious throughout his flailing arm episode, like he wasn't totally buzzed up on something. Silly Cross! He thinks he can fake being sober!) Anyway! Terrified out of their wits, the weak-bladdered vampires turned to the other corner and there they found…Chuck Norris! Oh wait. It was just Kanda.

He didn't _look _all that scary. In fact, Yuki saw, after a few daring peeks, that he was rather pretty. He had long, dark hair pulled into a ponytail with, straight, thick bangs. Hell, if it weren't for the vicious death glare – wait! 'Vicious death glare?' At any rate, our weak-minded vampires didn't seem intimidated. Big mistake dudes.

"He doesn't look so tough," Zero declared, meeting Emo Corner Boy's (another nickname for this kid. Woo nicknames!) dark eyes.

Merely a split second passed and the albino cream puff shivered, returning to his corner with an uncontrollable twitch.

"You're a wimp," the ever-girly Kaname snorted, stepping out of the vampire corner to glare at Kanda.

Another split second passed, and Kaname was shivering in the corner, clinging to the other victim of the death glare of death and destruction. Random snow flurried down on them.

"Kanda!" General Cross scolded, shooting a glare at the Asian in question. "What have I told you about terrorizing the undead?"

"Che," was Kanda's only response, and he smirked victoriously at the sight of the three cowering, snowed-on vampires.

"Anyway!" the questionably sane headmaster continued, evilly. "Vampires! Are! Prohibited!"

"But why?" Yuki asked, stupidly, shrinking away from Cross (and Kanda) on instinct.

"SILENCE!" the drunken man thundered again. "CROSS'S WORD IS_ LAW_!"

"Meep!"

With a squeak, the girliest person in the room (Yuki) scurried back to where she was relatively safe between Kaname and Zero.

At this point in time, a happily confused red-head fell from the ceiling.

"YUUUUUUUU-CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"

He dive-bombed into the terrifying emo kid in the corner with glee, landing directly into said emo kid's lap. (You're welcome fangirls!) Smiling stupidly, the red-head glomped the emo kid with a flourish of bubbling anime hearts, sparkles, and stars. As you can imagine, this didn't blow over to well with the black-haired boy.

"Off. Now," came the devilish demand, a deathly cold black aura emanating from his person as he glared at the newcomer.

The red-head seemed unfazed by the evil death glare of mass destruction – unlike the unfortunate vampires in the corner of what appeared to be mini-Antarctica. Regardless of his courage, the boy unwound himself from around Kanda and put some distance between them – so he must have been at least somewhat afraid for his life. Upon exiting Kanda's lap (wow that _so_ didn't sound suggestive) the unsuspecting red-head backed right into a slap to the back of the head. (GibbsslapNCISwhaaaaaat!)

"Lavi!" Cross bellowed. "How many times have I told you to stay the hell out of my office? What are you doing here now? GASPS! You're after my cyborg jelly machine!"

"Whoawhoawhoawhoawhoa," Zero suddenly interjected (cue record scratching). "Whoa. _Cyborg jelly machine_?"

Opening his mouth again probably wasn't the most intelligent of decisions on Zero's part, considering his status in the present situation. Cross sent the unwelcome vampire a murderous glare that made Zero want to kill himself rather than suffer whatever fate the headmast-I mean General! – had planned for him. Whatever it was, none of the three vampires wanted to find out. The flames of Hell blazed up again and Cross leaped upon his desk – again – looking about OVER 9,000! times bigger than he truly was. _(What! 9,000!)_

"My cyborg jelly machine is _none of your business _sparkling scum!" he roared, just as Lavi spoke up.

"Undead new kids?" he wondered, green eye going wide with fascination.

They fell on Yuki who – unfortunately – was the only woman in the room... (Lucky bitch! We'd give anything to be the only woman in a room where Kanda and Lavi are concerned!)

"No new kids!" the General insisted, grabbing both Zero and Kaname by their collars.

Both vampires 'meeped' and flinched, fearing for their immortal lives.

"Y'all, its time to take out the trash!" Cross announced, with a Western accent, and within moments, he was in a football uniform (much to the resident students' confusion).

Cross drop-kicked Zero out the door and in another second, he was dressed in a golf outfit (complete with sweater vest and beret).

"Fore!" he shouted, driving Kaname out the door with one powerful swing.

That left Yuki, cowering and shivering in mini-Antarctica (or was it Alaska?). How would _she _meet her fate? Baseball? Volleyball? No such luck. Cross picked her up by her collar and easily hefted her out the door and into the dumpsters behind the school, making sure there was plenty of garbage to keep her company. Just as Cross stepped out the door, a thin, white-haired boy walked in, dusting off his pants – that just happened to have prints of poker playing cards on them. He took one look at Cross and his victim as he passed and sighed.

"Did somebody's husband come home early or something?" he asked his remaining peers.

This conclusion wouldn't be _that _odd, considering it _was _Cross and he _was _leaving a woman in the dumpster out back…

"Nah," Lavi reassured the newcomer, waving his hand. "We're just stalking the undead."

A few seconds passed where Allen Walker just stared at the red-head like he was on something (which was more than likely). Lavi took this time to glomp his favorite little emo kid once again.

"The next time I tell you to GET THE HELL OFF OF ME, I'm taking your arms off!" Kanda fumed, breathing fire at the red-head he was so pissed – obviously driving Lavi a good distance away (next to AllenWhoo!). "And there is no _we _in stalking the undead. If anyone's going to be stalking, its me and I stalk alone."

"Awww," Lavi whined, a boombox materializing on his shoulder, the "Ghostbusters" theme song dying out in disappointment. "But, I'm so prepared!"

While Kanda glared at the stupid rabbit, Allen took this opportunity to try and scare the emo kid (it was a life long dream of his). Lavi noticed how the British boy slunk around the various neon signs and couldn't decide what theme song would be better for this situation from his newly adored boombox: "Jaws" or "Mission Impossible?" It really didn't matter though. Trying to scare Yuu Kanda was like trying not to stare at a purple polka-dotted dinosaur walking down the street. It just couldn't be done. The emo in the corner whirled around and snapped his teeth at Allen's hand, making said white-haired boy squeak and jump back.

"Bloody hell Kanda! What if you really _were _a vampire? I could be dead or sparkly right now!" (The thought of being sparkly was more terrifying to him than being dead.)

With an epic _whoosh_, Cross re-entered the room, doors flying open and cape billowing behind him. Smirking mischievously, Lavi switched his music machine back to "Ghostbusters," making Cross's dramatic return fifteen times more comical.

"NOOOOOO!" he roared, the three residents of the school remaining totally unfazed by his loud antics – unlike the three bumbling Shojo vampires who had recently been kicked out. "I tried to prevent this from happening! This school was never supposed to be remotely drawn into the vampire cult! Well…nice knowing you Kanda."

The Japanese boy twitched in fury as the _general _suddenly picked him up out of his emo corner and tossed him over his shoulder like an emo sack of potatoes.

"But, unfortunately its time to take out the trash," the still insanely drunk general said in a suspiciously "Terminator" –like accent.

As Cross took Kanda out, the single most sexy fan-service character in the series made her first appearance in this crack fic…Miranda! No. Lenalee waltzed in. WOO…enthusiasm. Said Chinese girl let out a loud squeal (you know it's bad if Lavi flinches) and waved so quickly her hand was a blur.

"Hi Kanda!"

This only served to irritate Kanda and he pointed at her, glaring from his position slung over Cross's shoulder.

"You!" he growled, left eye twitching. "Just…go away!"

"But…But…" Lenalee whimpered, making her eyes go all wide and pitiful like.

Kanda 'che'd again, death glaring at her with all the intensity of a wet cat. Scary.

"No!" he cut her off, putting a hand up to silence her like a mafia boss.

Cross proceeded to carry the pissy cat boy to his Vampire Dumpster out back.

"I thought he was Japanese," Lenalee mused, looking thoughtful. "Not Italian."

In the distance, she swore she could see Kanda flipping her the finger. At any rate, the fangirl-in-training, headed through the door to the neon-littered office. Inside, she found Cross with is feet on his desk, leaning back like a total pimp. This sent Lenalee into an arm-flailing episode of her own. Her face was entirely and utterly confused.

"Waitwaitwaitwaitwait!" she blurted. "Weren't you just taking out –"

Back in Cross's Demonic Dumpster of Doom: Kanda sat, brooding, a banana peel unceremoniously stuck in his hair. Yuki scooted closer, attempting to be friendly. She was met with an angry, cat-like hiss, and she shivered, returning to her corner of the suddenly Antarctic dumpster.

"How did you get back so fast?" the half-and-half fangirl asked Cross back in the office (the old drunk never ceased to amaze her).

"I'm General Flipping Cross," he said, nodding in approval as Allen and Lavi bowed before him.

"Hail Cross!"

Lenalee blinked and then suddenly remembered she was surrounded by idiots. There was nothing to be awed about. She shook her head in distaste before turning to her peers.

"What are you in for?" she sighed.

"Stalking Yuu," Lavi said, proudly.

From afar in Cross's Demonic Vampire Dumpster of Doom, a pissy "STUPID RABBIT!" was heard. Lavi grinned, victoriously.

"What was Kanda in for? Or do I want to know?"

"You don't," Cross said, a darkness folding over his face that made Lenalee shudder.

"Allen?" she inquired. "The usual?"

"Yupe. Best cafeteria poker riot I ever started," Allen said and Lavi played a round of applause on his boombox.

Cross started sniffling, dabbing at his eyes with a randomly obtained handkerchief.

"Allen…I've never been more proud of you! My little prodigy!" he wailed, voice swelling in pride.

Allen and Lenalee twitched at their school leader's obvious lack of good influence. Lavi just danced to his new favorite song ("Ghostbusters" theme) in the corner.

"Cross, you're the worst principal in the world," the British boy sighed in dismay.

Cross's pride in his favorite student quickly diminished and his drunken temper quickly flared up again. (God help you if you insulted the General's position.)

"DEEEETENNNNTIOOOON!" he howled, pointing an epic and accusing finger at the boy.

"Owwww!" Lavi whined covering his ears from the loud shouting.

Lenalee twitched convulsively, pretty sure that something in her eardrum had been damaged. Allen had hardly flinched, as though completely used to his display (which he was, unfortunately). The British boy grinned, snapping off a salute like a military cadet.

"Yes, sir!" he chirped, marching off while Lavi played triumphant music on his most beloved boombox.

This left Lavi and Lenalee. The red-head shut his triumphant music off and looked at her.

"So Lena…" he began, wrinkling his nose in thought. "Why are you here?"

There was a moment of silence in which Lenalee sweat-dropped in embarrassment.

"My brother," she sighed.

In the gymnasium, freshmen of all shapes and sizes were screaming in absolute, abject terror. Towering above them all was a throne of volleyballs and Komui Lee, pelting the balls at them all. He laughed maniacally, twitching as though he'd had way too much of his precious coffee…which he definitely had.

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Next time in the C.A.P.E. Chronicles!: What will Komui have in store for our trio of DGM characters? Why in hell were the anti-sparkle vampires wandering around Cross Academy anyway? Is Kanda really a vampire? And will Lenalee ever perfect the fangirl squeal? Find out in the next totally cracked out chapter of the C.A.P.E. Chronicles (reviews required for viewing.)


	2. Of Demonic Gym Teachers and Poker Riots

**-CHAPTER TWO-**

~{Of Demonic Gym Teachers and Poker Riots}~

All was right in the world of Cross Academy – as far as General Cross was concerned. The vampire menace that had come so close to ruining the stability of his anti-vamp utopia had promptly been taken care of. The alien trio of angsty vampires were withering away in parts unknown and Kanda was in intensive care where he was undergoing horrible experiments to test what species he truly was. Yupe, everything was in perfect orders as the regularly insane General sat down at his desk again, petting a cup of coffee to repent for shattering others various times earlier.

It was safe to go back to work, he thought, happily retrieving a pillow from under his desk and preparing for his scheduled nap. Just as he was nestling down into his dreams – where he was twenty years younger and enslaving the human race – a thought crossed the General's mind. Lenalee had been talking to him about something earlier…a concern of utmost importance that he wasn't paying attention too…

Oh yeah! Komui was mutilating the freshman!

…...

Cross fluffed up his pillow, took a swig of coffee, then stood up with his two bestest buddies and wandered into the staff room, pondering which couch would suit him best for this nap

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Meanwhile…

"Awww, poor little froshies," Lenalee crooned as she, Allen, and Lavi (Kanda was unavailable) observed the terrifying battlefield that was Cross Academy's gymnasium.

It was a scene out of "Saving Private Ryan": downed freshmen littered the floor, some clutching wounds inflicted by balls of various sizes and weights. Allen kicked a groaning froshie aside, promptly rolling the poor thing into the trajectory of a heavy volleyball labeled THE DESTROYER.

Lavi whistled with amazement and awe as the freshman soared across the battlefield of gym balls. "Damn," the normally hyper red-head muttered, looking back at his horrified classmates. At that moment however, a volleyball came out of nowhere, its course set for a certain British boy's face.

"HALT CUR!" came the deranged gym teacher's voice.

The volleyball reached its target and Allen fell with an anti-climatic thud. The wielder of the volleyball slit his eyes at Lavi, preparing THE DESTROYER for another fatal throw. "Step away from my darling Lenalee!" the mad genius known only as Komui declared in a less than intimidating voice, pointing in accusation.

Lavi looked one way and then the other. There were mauled froshies on one side of his escape route and Allen was deadish on the other side. There was kind of no where to go. He was stuck next to Lenalee whether he wanted to be or not.

"I kinda can't," he informed Komui, staring up at him with wide (slightly) innocent eyes.

That fact was not satisfactory to Komui – in fact, his hellish fury was only stoked to an even greater height at the red-head's "defiance."

"DESTROYER DESTROYS!" he bellowed like a chimpanzee on steroids, hurtling the spherical vessel of chaos towards the red-head intruding on his sister's personal space bubble.

Lavi – in all his masculine haughtiness – released a girlish, squealing EEP! and ducked down to avoid impact. Most unfortunately, for all of their mortal souls, the previously MIA emo-vampire child entered the hectic gymnasium. THE DESTROYER connected with Kanda's face and all went still…...

All the screaming froshie were silent. Everyone stared at the recently experimented on Japanese boy, terrified that he would go into one of his infamous Kanda Murderous Rages ™. THE DESTROYER fell away, revealing an irate Kanda with a bright red mark on his normally pale face. He let out a feline snarl, clutching the heavy ball so tightly it popped.

Komui squeaked, beginning to back away from the angered student. Even the wounded froshies scooted as far away as they could. None of them wanted to be in the way when all Hell broke loose. Kanda only growled in response, eyes narrowed to dark slits. Choosing his weapon carefully, Kanda brandished a nearby hockey stick and lunged –

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP. PLEASE STAND BY. (And cue the elevator music)…..(Lots of ellipses this chapter huh? Oh! Looks like Kanda's done putting us in the M-Rating! :D)

PLEASE RESUME. (We apologize for Kanda's massively destructive misconduct. Bows.)

The other students in the gym sat piled in a corner as faaaaaaar away from the violent emo-kid as possible. Komui…is too brutally mauled to describe without ending up in the next Saw movie. Kanda calmly and meticulously wiped the blood from his makeshift weapon, quite satisfied with his revenge…until Lavi spoke.

"Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn Yuu. You should really think about checking into guidance," he said, pragmatically.

Kanda twitched and froze – contemplating his next method of chaos. Lenalee was wise enough to put a rather large canyon of distance between herself and Lavi, inching to the remains of her brother while Kanda was distracted.

Lavi was left trapped in the fiery intensity that was Kanda's evil deathglare of death. At that point in time, Allen decided he was done being unconscious and rose to his feet, dusting off his poker-patterned pants.

"Well that hurt like hell," he yawned. "What did I miss?"

He promptly took in the scene before him, eyes growing wider with every passing second.

"Bloody hell," he summed it up, looking back to his terrified friends. "So, BaKanda caused this?"

"Uh no shit Sherlock," Lavi muttered, glad to have the volatile emo kid's attention diverted.

Pleased to have an excuse to hurt He of the Poker Pants, Kanda this time chose a tennis racket and - BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! Goddamnit Kanda! Ugh. Once more, we're experiencing rating-limited violence right now. Please enjoy the elevator music….

(20 seconds of mindless, bloodthirsty violence later)

Good news everyone! Allen isn't dead! You may resume.

Kanda blinked, staring at what remained of the tennis racket (it hadn't lasted through his whole murderous rage (poor thing)).

"I lived! Score!" Lavi bellowed victoriously, fist pumping the air as Allen lay deadish (again) beside him.

Kanda blinked and glared at Lavi. That's right, his original goal had been the irritating red-head. How id he get so off track?...Hm. While Lavi celebrated his survival and Kanda pondered over _why_ said "rabbit" survived, Lenalee quietly poked her brother. Miraculously, that tiny prod bolted Komui back to life – all organs accounted for – and he was revived with a new revolutionary idea.

"Softball!" he burst in excitement and left everyone silently confused.

Allen was intrigued enough to revive himself also. Kanda was not pleased. (The other random extra characters in the corner, stayed there in terror).

"Class! We shall dive into the thrilling and unparalleled fun of softball today! Arm yourselves!"

He produced a hulking mass of bats, gloves, and helmets and urgently urged them towards Lavi, Kanda, Allen, and Lenalee…He gained no response or desire to share in his sudden passion for this random game.

"That sounds riveting and all," Allen began, "but upperclassmen gym doesn't start for another hour or so."

"We just showed up to cut class and attempt a froshy rescue mission," Lavi explained. "And now we go to lunch!"

So the quartet of mentally unstable friends exited the gymnasium, dragging Kanda along behind. He was resistant to leave, irked with his failure to demolish Komui. Grudgingly, he allowed himself to be carted off – he could wait an hour to try and slay him again.

Abandoning the freshmen to Komui's experimental softball attempts, the band relocated to the cafeteria. Kanda wrinkled his nose at the smell – burnt hamburgers and grease never sat well with him – ugh. Allen, however, inhaled deeply and sighed with happiness.

"I love the smell of cafeteria in the morning. Smells like – "

"Allen, it's not victory you're smelling," Lenalee sighed.

It could have been one of three things: anger and blood radiating off of Kanda, froshie's fear, or hamburger and popcorn chicken balls (the latter Allen had randomly obtained and was happily munching away on).

"Everyone remembers the number one rule to be upheld whilst remaining Allen Walker's friend right?" the white-haired British boy asked, popping chicken balls into his mouth.

"What happens under the cafeteria tables, stays under the cafeteria tables," Lavi replied, smiling proudly at himself for remembering.

"It's a good thing I'm not your friend," Kanda muttered and Allen fell flat on his face at the weight of those words, sobbing hysterically – he had a crush on Kanda so this was heartbreaking [inserted Sasukez fangirling].

"I've been to the office enough in the past two hours," Lenalee whined. "Can we please not send me there again?"

"If you go there, it's your own damn fault woman!" Allen fumed, rising from his mournful stupor on the ground with a vengeance. "Nothing can contain the Gray Gambit! Huzzah!"

"The whointhewhatnow?" Lavi spluttered.

Kanda "che'd" and walked away, leaving Lavi and Lenalee in awkward silence. Allen, still locked in his triumphant posture, deflated a little at the not-vampire's departure, his chicken balls falling sadly to the floor. There was more awkward, confused silence whilst Lavi played sad music on his randomly obtained, muchly loved boombox. The British boy recovered enough to narrow his eyes at the red-head, snatching his boombox.

"The Gray Gambit! Of course, silly rabbit," he rolled his eyes at poor Lavi, sniffling over his lost music box.

"Uh," Lenalee hesitated, eyes huge and expression confounded. "Dare I ask – what's the Gray Gambit?"

From across the cafeteria, the head of some heavily-tattooed teenager popped up and trained on the British boy. He jumped up from his group of similarly biker-styled friends, and pointed a meaty finger at Allen.

"Hey! That's him! That's the British bastard that swindled me out of my lunch money!"

A gasp rippled through the cafeteria and a hundred mouths agape turned to Allen. Stealing lunch money was unforgivable! Suddenly, a girl stood up and protested about the same boy stealing her Mercedes from her. Another kid called out about losing $50 in "a game."

"…Aaaallen?" Lenalee asked, despairingly.

"You've been a naughty boy Allen!" Lavi exclaimed. "Cross would be proud!"

"Not if I'm dead," Allen mumbled. "Guys, if I don't make it out alive, tell Kanda I was the one who stole his hair-straightener."

*Crazy gerbil video face*

"…Creeper," Lenalee muttered under her breath.

"Well, it's been a pleasure being acquainted to you two and I hope to see you in the fluffy white sugarness of the afterlife," Allen told them, accepting his inevitable demise with pride.

"Dude, let's face it," Lavi sighed. "You're going straight to Hell and you know it."

"Fine! At least I'll see Kanda when I get there!"

*Oh snap…?*

The cheated cafeteria mongrels were amassing like a snorting herd of Spanish bulls. Fearlessly, Allen faced them, flashing his vividly colored poker pants to antagonize them. Lavi ushered Lenalee off to the side so they would be (relatively) safe from the stampede.

"Ooooh! Popcorn chicken!" Lavi exclaimed, picking up the abandoned lunch tray and happily claiming them as his own.

With a ball halfway to his mouth, he caught Allen's glare and froze. Chicken balls were sacred to the boy. If he survived the class mauling, deep fried vengeance would be his.

"For the chicken balls!"

Allen let loose his battle roar and charged. The bull-children charged. It was the most epic battle in the very short history of Cross Academy, an epic battle which unfortunately we can't show due to rating constraints…again.

"That was _awesome_!" Lavi gaped, rubbing his eyes with amazement.

Allen rose from the mass of deadish bull children, looking triumphant and quite proud of himself. Lenalee had long disappeared, headed to the gym to retrieve her brother (again). The red-head had overlooked one fatal mistake: he was still holding the tray of chicken balls (and, until that moment had been ever-so-happily nomming away on them). Allen turned his vicious glare to Lavi.

"Shit," said rabbit ginger blurted out, as Allen slowly advanced. "Here's an idea. How about we forget about this particular package of chicken balls and I'll treat you to" – he quickly counted the change in his pocket – "two fresh packs!"

Allen snatched his beloved lunch from the red-head's hands, popping balls into his mouth while he considered his proposal.

"I like the way you think, rabbit!"

A dark aura of depression misted over Lavi's face and Allen looked at him quizzically.

"Stupid sprout! Only Yuu get's to call me rabbit!"

Lavi started crying forlornly and the dark aura of depression transferred over to Allen.

"Stupid ginger," he sniffed. "Only BaKanda get's to call me sprout."

The two teenagers started wailing like infants being punched. So intense was their heartache that they ended up glomping each other for comfort – the debate over popcorn chicken balls was long forgotten beneath this new distress.

From the emo cafeteria corner, Kanda glanced across at the other two boys' antics. "Che" he grumbled irritably, hiding behind the new manga Lenalee had given him. _Son of a bitch,_ he thought, glancing at the artwork in the book. _That chick totally stole my look! Lenalee was right! Damnit Alphard!_

(Cookies to anyone who got that reference!)

NEXT TIME! : Curious as to why the category now says X-Over DGM & Final Fantasy VII? Well, you're going to find out in Chapter 3! Prepare yourselves as Lavi arms himself for the battle of ginger dominance and Kanda meets his match in an albino version of himself. You hath been warned!


End file.
